ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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