I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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