Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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