I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
