I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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