I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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