I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
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