Please, let me fuck your mom
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
