dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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