why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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