Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
