How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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