Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
