Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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