I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
