So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I queefed so loud it echoed.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
