time to smoke my breakfast
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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