Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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