it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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