shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
