Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
