She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
