she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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