Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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