woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
