If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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