I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
