You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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