I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
