if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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