pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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