I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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