I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
