I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
