the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
