She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
