the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
