he was CRYING into my vagina
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
