Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
