I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
