I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Im part way to drunk.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
