i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
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I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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