Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
