All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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