Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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