My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
