Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
PANTIES FOUND
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize