He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
