i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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