Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
