How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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