at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
