The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
