Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Randomize
