nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
