So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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