Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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