Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
