Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
