She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
