9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
