why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Randomize