The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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